Years ago I was struggling with this issue, which now that I'm retired I find myself in a similar position, but even more difficult because of the pandemic, dealing with a recent surgery and the difference in the holidays this year. Perhaps you are struggling with this feeling of a lack of identity and purpose. This is an excerpt of Day 2 from my first book, I hope it encourages you!
GOD’S WORD PROMISES US…
For you did not receive
the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by
whom we cry out, "Abba, Father." The Spirit
Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God. Romans
8:15-16
For many years I lived in bondage, yet unaware of its
subtle hold on me. I had to be busy all the time— pleasing others, God and
myself. I filled my life with constant activity: working, writing, taking care
of the house, the children, meetings, Bible study and so on. I wanted to be a
fruit-bearing tree, yet I grew too leafy.
Until one day the Master Gardener noticed how bushy my
branches looked and how small my fruit. His heart longed for me to be what He
originally planned, so He took out His pruning shears and began cutting. First
He pruned a few leaves, a hobby here and there. It only hurt a little. Then He
chopped off a major branch that cut deep—my career. Ouch! I didn’t understand
what He was doing. After that, limbs fell off left and right.
I
felt stripped bare. For the first time in twenty years, I didn’t have a
teaching job or ministry. Except of course, taking care of the family. That
clung like a lonesome leaf in winter. Other than that, I felt useless; though I
realized in my spirit that God must be at work. I just didn’t know at what!
During
that time I prayed a lot and cried out to God. I thought for sure I’d get
another position by September, since I went on several interviews. However, God
had other plans in mind. He wanted me to learn something far more important
than furthering my career, and He longed for me to be secure in Him. For this
to happen, there were some things I had to confront.
I
came face to face with myself.
If I wasn’t a teacher, then who
was I? The question loomed like an ax, ready to swing. Was God going to
completely chop down my tree and start all over?
Left with a lot of free time, I
busied myself with cleaning, driving the kids around, decorating the house,
writing and the like. “I’m a homemaker,” I declared, but the teacher in me
wilted.
As the weeks wore on, my dilemma
deepened, the bills piled up and my self worth plummeted. I sensed God telling
me to rest in Him, but I found that difficult.
Weeks turned into months, and I
felt adrift. “If I can’t teach, then what can I do?” I convinced myself I was a
complete failure, even though I knew it wasn’t true. I believed in God’s
promises and clung to them. Yet, my feelings declared war with the spirit of
God within me.
I joined an excellent Bible
study group, which helped. Sharing the deep insights of the Word with other
women made me feel valued. Still the emotional battles raged on.
After months of asking, “Why Lord?” the heart
wrenching questions stopped. My spirit quieted, and the Heavenly Father now revealed
a simple truth. You’re identity isn’t in being a teacher, a mother, a wife or
even a Bible study leader—you’re my child. His child.
The full impact of that revelation made
my heart leap for joy! God’s child. Simple, yet amazing. I needed to be still in
Him. Bathe in His love. Let it sink deep into my spirit. Allow Him to feed me.
I knew God loved me, but after
twenty-five years of being a Christian, I still hadn’t completely settled it in
my heart. Due to my upbringing, I believed I needed to earn God’s love through
good deeds, even though I knew that wasn’t biblical. He wanted me to truly
experience His deep abiding love, regardless of what I did for Him.
For years I felt I needed to do great
things for God. At the end of my life, I wanted God to be able to say, “Well
done, good and faithful servant.” God understood this. He knew my heart, yet He
showed me: “Don’t worry. Be anxious for NOTHING” (Philippians 4:6).
That hit like a lightening bolt. God
simply wanted me to rest in His unconditional love. What a relief. No more
worrying about being a good Christian. I felt released, set free from a life
long struggle.
Though good deeds are important, God’s more interested
in our core person. I can show God my love by what I’ve allowed Him to do in my
heart, and by allowing Him to love me. It’s His work, not mine.
As a type A personality this is a
difficult process, although I’m making progress. I’m learning to rely on His
love and not depend on what I’ve accomplished. Good deeds will spring out of my
love for Him, but there are times to be still.
Though now I’m just as active as before
the pruning, He set me free from my own faulty expectations and striving.
Resting in His love, I am who He
wants me to be—a child of God in His loving arms. He revealed my true identity.
Prayer
Dear Heavenly Father,
Let us not forget the important lessons You have
taught us. Help us to realize the full impact of Your love. It will sustain us
through all circumstances, whether in abundance or lack. Teach me to abide as a
child under Your wing of protection. In Jesus’ precious, loving Name. Amen.
Application
Do
you struggle with your identity? If so, look up the appropriate verses that
include promises for the children of God. (You can do this with a concordance
in the back of your Bible or on-line with web-sites like Bible Gateway.) Dwell
on the inheritance you will have as God’s child. Ask God to bring you fulfillment
in whatever role you are in at the present time. Seek direction for your future
career or endeavors and most of all—trust God to take care of you.
Night
Time Reflection
Dear God,
It’s
been a busy day with everything I needed to do, and I almost forgot about
praying until I had a mini identity crisis in the doctor’s office. Yesterday,
my daughter went back to college and during vacation we watched home videos of
her childhood. It sure was great raising her, but now I ask myself, “How did I get this old so fast?” I’m
not ready for empty nest syndrome. I felt better when the doctor looked over
everything and told me I’m doing well. It made me thankful for the blessing of
good health, and served as a reminder that no matter how old I am—You will take
care of me. I’m still your child. I can run to You no matter what my needs,
whether I have children home or not, whether I’m beautiful or not, fat or
skinny, healthy or sick, married or not. You’re here for me and everyone
who is Your child. I pray that all may know their true identity in You.
Amen.
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